Are the French Better Parents?
Pascal Le Segretain-Getty Images
I have been caught up in the buzz surrounding Pamela Druckerman’s book, Bringing up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting. The latest was an article by John Rosemond in the News and Observer on February 21 and an NPR story that was broadcast on Feb. 19 on Weekend Edition. It made me wonder what I can do to become this ‘uber-parent’. Perhaps you feel this way too. This is nothing new. As parents, we are constantly looking for better ways to teach our children and raise them to be independent and confident adults. Just when we think we have this parenting thing all figured out, our children change the rules on us. When we have exhausted the parenting skills in our arsenal, we panic and wonder, “Now, what!?”
Ms. Druckerman’s observations about French parenting skills are valid and thought-provoking. She points out that while in France, she noticed that French children did not need the constant interaction from their parents the way her child did, and by extension, many American children. A group of French parents would be able to have a cup of coffee in peace while their children entertained themselves nearby. Was it something special about the way this culture parents its children? How could an entire city of children seemingly behave better than their American counterparts?
What Ms. Druckerman also brings to light is not just the ability of French children to occupy themselves without demanding adult attention, but their openness to all sorts of cuisine. She points out that there are no ‘kiddie’ menus in French restaurants: not because children are not invited or allowed, but because they have developed a palate for the same foods their parents eat. This is what they have known since they have been old enough to chew.
These two examples of her experience as an American mother in France serve to illustrate her main point: that we cater to our children so overwhelmingly – in matters that involve food choices, imaginative play, conflict resolution, etc. – and in doing so, we are doing a disservice to them in many ways.
I can appreciate her criticism of our American ‘helicopter parenting’ model. Recently, there have been several articles published about the rise of ‘Helicopter Parents’ joining their adult children to job interviews! A nation filled with adults who cannot think critically for themselves is not what we imagine for our children as we raise them. The French method of parenting by expecting their children to entertain themselves, eat what is put in front of them and use their manners would go a long way toward helping our children become independent.
Yet, despite the many virtues of French parenting, this does not mean that the French have it all perfected either. In an article by Piper Weiss (from the Yahoo! site, Shine), she points out that there are many elements of French parenting that are not necessarily desirable; an overwhelming majority of parents punish their children with spanking, the number of French women who choose to breast-feed their babies is strikingly low, and their national childhood obesity rates now rival those in the US.
The bottom line in all this hype about another parenting style is that there IS great wisdom to be gleaned by looking over the Pond toward our French compatriots in parenting. Yet, all family systems are unique and that a blanket approach to parenting is unlikely to produce the miraculous results parents long for. Parenting is a tough job that requires a nearly minute-by-minute review of successes and failures. We need to be flexible when it comes to raising our children to become the adults we will be proud of. Reading about different parenting styles and asking our fellow parents how they handled similar situations are great ways to remain nimble as parents, and ‘agile parenting’ is something we should all strive for!
Stop the Long-Distance Yelling Style of Parenting
I am a busy mom, but no more so than most parents these days. Along with all the other typical ‘mom-chores’ and volunteer duties, I do have a paying gig. I am fortunate enough to be able to do a lot of that work from home, yet, unfortunately, I don’t always do a good job of defining those boundaries and more often than not ‘work’ will seep into ‘home’. Yet, even when I didn’t work as many hours or from home, there were plenty of other tasks that I somehow felt were more important at the moment than the parenting that I should have been doing.
Our 3 daughters are capable of doing many tasks on their own without my hovering over them. For example, I expect that they will do certain things when they arrive home from school — hang up backpacks, empty lunchboxes, wash hands, get a snack and clean up after themselves before they get to their homework (I am a slave driver). Not surprisingly, those tasks are accomplished (for the most part…) with remarkable ease and good-nature while I am in the kitchen helping to ‘oil the gears’, as it were. While they are tending to these menial, yet essential tasks, we have lively chats about who did what at school and – with prompting – painstakingly detailed, sequential accounts of the educational experiences of the day. Friendly reminders help keep the scheduled tasks moving along. This is the ideal parenting situation! Yet, it seldom has a chance to come to fruition in our household.
That’s because often times I am at the computer finishing up ‘one last thing’ or frantically chopping up something to throw (last minute) into the crock pot to flame away on high for 2 hours – typical, everyday ‘emergencies’ that keep me from being fully present when my children need me. When this happens, the routines quickly unravel and suddenly these 3, otherwise capable young ladies are unable to do even the simplest of tasks. I shout from my appointed, yet distant spot, “Pick that up! Put that away! Have a fruit before you have the chips! Quit messing with your sister!” and again, unsurprisingly, my shouting-instructions-from-a-distant-location strategy fails. They know I am not engaged with what they are doing and that I can’t do anything about it while I am otherwise occupied. Crazy, isn’t it? These are girls who can do these things on their own when I am standing right there and focusing on them, but they can’t manage to pull it together when I am otherwise occupied. They are not dummies — while the cat is away the mice will play!
Yes, all children should be learning to be independent and to be able to do these simple things on their own, and often they can and do accomplish what is requested of them in a friendly and positive way. But they do so with a different level of energy and often with irritation (at me?!) When I call out from the office for the kids to stop playing with the Legos in their playroom and wash up for dinner, they should hear my voice, stop what they are doing, chirrup a happy, “Yes, Mom!” and hop to it. But, invariably, they do not. The are creatures of the NOW. They live in the moment and their lives are incredibly and developmentally appropriately about themselves. If I am not there in the room to help them disengage from what they are doing or not nearby for them to share the news of the day that has been bubbling up inside them all day, I truly am setting them up for failure. Being wholly there – fully attentive and present – the way I would expect someone I love to be present and engaged for me, is key to parenting. It is key to relationships in general, but parenting in particular. My job is to guide these chaotic cherubs to independence, to foster respect and empathy and to engage them in social interaction. I can’t do that from the computer screen or the phone text or whatever else is pulling me away from them at the moment they need me most.
Looking to dial it back down from 11
So, I’m going to focus on shutting the laptop, putting away the i-pod, turning off the phone and give 100% to the job that matters most, the job I signed onto for life. Making clear boundaries about when I need time to work / be otherwise occupied and choosing the best times to do so as well as sticking to my own stated timetable, will help me to turn the volume down on my long-distance yelling style of parenting.
~Gail
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Help is on the Way
Becoming a parent is easy. Parenting these miracles and guiding them to learn to make appropriate choices, use their kind words, be gentle in their actions, eat their veggies and wipe their noses is not so easy. We all need assistance of our own from time to time and luckily, Project Enlightenment is here to help! Project Enlightenment is an early childhood education and intervention program of the Wake County Public School System, serving teachers and parents of young children, ages birth through kindergarten. The offer classes for educators and parents, as well as a resource library and other support services. Here is their schedule of classes for the winter/ spring:
16 Feb 2012 Toddler Issues
28 Febr 2012 Positive Discipline: Firmness And Limit Setting
1 March 2012 Creating Calmness During Crazy Times
10 April 2012 The Spirited Child
24 April 2012 PositiveDiscipline: Firmness And Limit Setting
Learn more at Project Enlightenment’s web site!
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Our first segment is my own New Year’s Resolution – to stop parenting by yelling. I find that as a teacher, I am fully capable of using my “big girl” words and expressing myself without resorting to raising my voice, but with my own children, I have become more like a raving lunatic than an effective parent. There are many articles on the web and in books about parenting strategies which minimize yelling, but I have chosen this one as a starter. None of the information in the article was new news to me, it was just good to be reminded of calm, consistent and effective parenting skills.
~Gail
